I am a frightened man.
I am afraid that I will be unable to make my thoughts into words that will make my meaning clear to you and invite you to join me in my conviction.
And if I am unable to do so, I will be diminished and worth less.
I am afraid that if I fail to effectively share my mind with you, that you will think I am a silly ninny and I will be diminished, worth less, and alone.
So I have been an impulsive man – acting without regard to the consequences of my choosing – acting in the absence of mindfully setting the course of my life.
Wrapped in the protection of my impulses, I rushed through my frightenedness – I was free from my fear.
But speeding along on impulse, I disregarded the power of my mind and my courage.
I diminished myself and was worth less.
And I diminished myself because I created unconsidered consequences that wounded me and others.
My impulsiveness left me diminished, worth less, alone, and still afraid.
So I became an arrogant man. I trusted only myself.
Knowing that I had diminished you, you diminished and rejected me.
When I tallied the score, I was diminished, worth less, alone, and still afraid.
I considered trusting you and I became even more afraid.
If I trust and place my worth in your hands – If I give up my efforts to control the me you hold in your mind – you may reward me and I will feel safe.
But if I feel safe in this way, I will know also that I depend on you for my safety.
Because I would depend on you for my safety I would feel diminished and worth less and still afraid that you would change your mind and think me a silly ninny.
And I would be alone.
For years I pin balled among these four – fear, impulsiveness, arrogance, dependent trust.
And always on payday I felt diminished, worth less, alone, and still afraid.
But I saw no other path. Only thick forest inhabited by nasty beasts.
I begin to see the other path lately.
The path on which I trust myself and act in humility.
The path on which I work honestly in hope and fear.
The path on which I consider the creative impulse and implement its spirit in mindful purpose.
The path on which I balance my respect for myself with my respect for you and trust that what happens in you reflects who you are and not who I am.
This is a slower path and I am not so far along. But the stones are smooth and the grade is gentle and there are patches of sunshine at pleasing intervals.
So, I remain frightened man.
My intent is to make my thoughts into words that you can understand if you are able and inclined.
I make my invitation knowing that you may choose a conviction different from mine.
I work to know that your choice does not determine my worth.
I work to know that if you think I am a silly ninny, I will continue on my path undiminished, worthy, and in the company of my purpose.